There are a lot of givers in the world.  And we hear a lot about giving – give to charity, give to the needy, give a helping hand, be giving.  We give our ears to listen, our money, our love, energy and time.  But, we often don’t hear about the other side of this; we don’t hear about the takers, let alone do we hear that we should be takers.  

The fact is that in all the giving, there are people on the receiving end of all this – the takers.  There is nothing wrong with being a taker if you are also a giver.  Thus, it is vital to be able to give and to take in order to be a balanced and whole person.

Personal Story

I once had a girlfriend ask me for just about everything – from my time, my money, to my energy and love and because she was struggling at the time, I naturally gave to her without expecting anything in return. I used to put all my errands, my problems, my life on hold for her. I mean, I was cancelling my plans with other people, risking coming home way later than my family expected and loaning money I was saving for something else! (Yes, I know, this is too much.) A year later, she got married and things quickly changed.

She turned to her husband. This was okay for me. We kind of went back to being more balanced friends, but for some reason it never went back to being exactly the same, of course. So much had changed. I got so used to giving that I didn’t know how to take and she was so used to taking that she didn’t know how to give.

One day, I needed her to listen to me, so I called her up. She said to me quite frankly, “that she didn’t have the time.” I felt an immediate sense of resentment and I ended up playing over in my mind ALL the things I did for her. I didn’t like the resentment brewing inside of me like a forgotten pot of tea on the stove and wanted to understand it. Here’s what I think happened:

1. I didn’t truly give to her with no expectations in return.
2. I expected that she would not say no to me.
3. My expectations for what makes a good friend is quite high.

The repeated word in this cycle: expectations.

So, how do you battle this? Don’t have any!  Here are my thoughts on this:

1. When you give with your heart, you won’t ask or need a favour back (ever).
2. When you truly give to someone in genuine need, you don’t feel a sense of gratification in the giving.
3. When you give with your heart, you’ll soon forget the deed that you did and it doesn’t keep replaying in your mind (like I am so kind, I am so good).
4. Even though you are not looking for a payback, you should know that somehow you just will get rewarded because it is a law in the universe. But, you should also know that you will get the payback not in the way that you think and certainly not always from the person you gave to. Your sustenance is unpredictable and will come from unexpected places if you open yourself up to all the ways you could be given to. If you only rely on your paycheck every two weeks, you automatically close yourself off to all the other possible sources of income you could be making and receiving.
5. If you feel the slightest twinge of pain when you give – don’t. It’s time to take a break from the giving. It’s just not meaningful anymore and no one will benefit.

To be a truly balanced person in this principle you have to be willing to give and take otherwise you won’t be fulfilling a basic law of the universe and very soon the effect will surface.

Tips for Givers

1. Be able to take without feeling burdened. 
2. Start saying, “Yes!”
3. Give without making the receiver feel the giving. (Don’t make them feel bad for asking. A real gift of a person is that they see what a person needs and gives it to them without them having to ask you first.)
4. Give in secret.
5. Be aware of your heart. Are you giving out of obligation? Out of gratification? Or are you neutral? What is your motive?
6. Give when it is really hard to give (for example when you are really busy).
7. Give in other ways than materially (time, love, energy, a listening ear).
8. Hold back from time to time even when you really feel like giving and reflect on your heart when you hold back.
9. Give things away that you really really like. (Are you detached from your possessions?) In my tradition, we don’t give away things that we ourselves would never use. Giving away an old sweater that has holes in it or you are sick of it is not the same as giving away a sweater you really enjoy wearing, is it?

When Giving is not Okay

This is a hard one to determine because it requires looking deep within yourself and asking “why” before you give.  A friend of mine admitted to me that she often gives to people because it gives her a feeling of someone being “indebted” or “powerless” or “vulnerable” to her.  Of course, this is not okay!  It is manipulative to have a hidden motive behind your giving.

Sometimes we can receive gifts that are “too much” or gifts that are not really gifts at all.  For example, giving someone a membership to a weight loss class when they have no issues with their weight or enrolling them in an anger management class is not really a gift, it’s a disguise.  In your mind, you might be trying to be helpful – but the other person can feel quite rotten.  

Don’t give when the person feels forced or obliged to take from you.  You might be in a really good mood and want to give away your clothes or money, but sometimes people don’t want to receive.  Many people grow up where they have been taught not to take hand-outs or they have been taught that hard work is the only way to get things in life.  Many people don’t like taking things for free, especially if someone is giving to them out of pity.  If the person you are giving to is hesitating when you are trying to give – you might need to examine what you might be doing.  People can feel a lot through the energy you exude.  

Know when to give and when to let people help themselves.  This happens in my classroom a lot.  As a teacher, I have to be really careful when a student asks me for help.  I give the student as many tools I can to help them solve the question rather than give them the answer.  In fact, I almost never give the answer to my students in all my years of teaching!  (There are a few mystery questions we did in our class that my students are still wondering about today – Who Killed Felix?)  Sometimes a student will get the answer wrong again and again and I watch them struggle.  But, almost always when the student does get it – the moment of triumph is always exciting, who found the answer on their own.  It empowers and inspires them to take more risks.

Tips for Takers – Trying to Instill Giving in Yourself?

1. Make a plan for 40 days to give in a row until it becomes natural to you. Then go back to being balanced in your giving and taking. Wise scholars say that to make a habit permanent, do it for 40 days.
2. Start small. Give a smile to everyone you walk by. (You wouldn’t believe how many people can be stingy even with their facial expressions! I was one of them… eeek!) See: 50 (Not So) Random Acts of Kindness post.
3. Think besides money.
4. Start by giving to those closest to you. Your spouse, kids and family rather than strangers. This is often more hard to do.
5. Pick one small act of kindness and stick to it. Do it consistently. For example, pour water for everyone at the dinner table every night without making it a big deal. There is great reward in quenching someone’s thirst.
6. Change it up after 40 days.
7. Think of all the people who have given to you and reciprocate. Write thank you cards.
8. Reflect on your heart/spirit/ego. From what side are you doing the giving? Then, when you know for sure it is from the seat of your heart, proceed. If it isn’t, simply hold back until your heart goes back into expansion.

In a society where we are expected to give all the time, it can be hard to think about taking. To be on the middle path – the path towards a truly balanced person, trying to do both will make you the most happy.

An Invitation

Are you more of a giver or a taker? What are some ways that you try to be balanced in this principle?  Share your comments below and let’s try different strategies towards becoming balanced.
image credit:hanaan